Things I've learned from my children
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
- A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up when they’re dizzy.
Things moms would never say
- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
- "Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house look more cheery"
- "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
- "I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"
- "Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"
