The Lighter Side (Jan 2020)

In the event you need some help making that special date for Valentine’s Day, here’s some can’t fail cheesy pick-up lines.

“Do you like raisins? How do you feel about a date?”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘I’ and ‘U’ together.”

“Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.”

“Do you believe in love at first sight—or should I walk by again?”

“If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable.”

“Well, here I am. What are your other two wishes?”

“Did your license get suspended for driving all these guys crazy?”

“Did you just come out of the oven? Because you’re hot.”

“Know what’s on the menu? Me ‘n’ u.”

“It’s a good thing I have my library card, because I am totally checking you out.”

“I was blinded by your beauty; I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.”

“Life without you is like a broken pencil…pointless.”

“Something’s wrong with my eyes, because I can’t take them off you.”

“You’re so sweet, you’re giving me a toothache.”
 
If these don’t work, at least you can enjoy these stories.

Nuts About Love
“Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts.  As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. ‘Why the new sign?’ I asked.  ‘My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,’ she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: Local Honey Dates Nuts.”
 
Very Daring
“The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives.  A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee.  My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man’s sexier choice.  When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter.  ‘Would you have anything in black flannel?’ he asked.”
 
More Than a Greeting Card
“My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse.  Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one.  Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary.  Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an idea.  Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: ‘I lawn for you mower and mower each day.’  Mark’s wife loved it.  The card immediately graced their refrigerator door.”
 
Making the Grade
“My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader.  One day I received a B minus on a theme paper.  In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the Valentine season, I sent her a heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.”  The following day, I received in return a Valentine from the teacher.  It read: Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.’”
 
Devoted and Determined
“During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding.  Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were cancelled.  Being a young man in love, he went AWOL.  He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant.  After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, ‘Okay, okay!’  Then, as an afterthought: ‘But don’t let it happen again!’”

Originally Published on Reader's Digest