The Lighter Side (May 2020)

What religion are bears?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
 
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
 
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”
 
Time is relative
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
 
Panicking poodle
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
 
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.
 
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
 
Holy spelling mistake!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
 
The head monk, says, "You make a good point, my son."
 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
 
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"
 
“Father!” cries the young monk. "What's wrong?"
 
The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, "The word is celebrate!"
 
Brown bears vs. grizzly bears
A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”
 
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
 
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger. “They’re full of small bells.”
 
Cast away
A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. “What are they used for?” the captain asks.
 
“Well, the hut one on the left is where I live,” says the man. “and the one on the right is where I go to church.”
 
“So what about that hut in the middle?”
 
The man sneers, “That’s the church I used to attend!”
 
Always complaining
Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
 
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
 
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
 
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
 
It really knocked him out
Late one evening, Norm’s doorbell rang. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.

The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. “Ah, yes,” the doctor said when Norm explained what had happened to him. “There’s a nasty bug going around.”
 
An inspired prank
Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. Three girls walked up to me saying they were too scared to walk in the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk with me. I told them: "I understand. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive."
I've never seen anyone run that fast! 
 
You lost your... lunch?
While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. I had spent some time looking for a sandwich on the grass, when a golfer asked me if someone had lost a sand wedge.
 
Source:  Reader’s Digest - Canada