It was Halloween night when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony. Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn’t amused. “Figures,” he said. “I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and they’re having a costume party!”
Mummified Mom
Last year my daughter and her children were invited to a Halloween party. Her older son wanted to go as Count Dracula; her daughter, as a ballerina; her younger son, as the cabin boy in Treasure Island. Then my daughter donned her own costume, wrapping herself in strips of white sheeting. At the party she collapsed, exhausted, on the sofa.
“And who are you?” someone asked her. “I’m a tired mummy,” my daughter said.
I’ve Created a Monster!
For Halloween, my grandson wanted to be “The Incredible Hulk.” Using food coloring and a washcloth, my daughter dyed his hands, face, neck and blond hair the green shade of the TV monster.
After his bath the next morning, a green tint still remained. As my grandson was going out the door to school, he handed his mother a slip of paper he had forgotten to give her earlier. My daughter quickly opened the note. School pictures were going to be taken that day.
Don’t Play With Fire
Firefighters are required to wear our full bunker gear on all safety calls, even to advise homeowners of a county ordinance against burning leaves after dark. Last Halloween, two co-workers waited on the porch of one such offending household, helmets in hand, until a woman finally opened the door. Promptly dropping a candy bar into each helmet, she remarked, “You boys are a little old for this sort of thing, aren’t you?” and closed the door.
Climate Control
Everyone at the company I worked for dressed up for Halloween. One fellow’s costume stumped us. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across the front in glitter. When someone finally asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, “I’m a temp.”
Accidental Encounter
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween!
- When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.
- If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
